Someone called me a perfectionist the other day. I was all WTF???? I am far from a perfectionist. I am a mess on a good day. I schedule naps. My house looks like a hoarder’s paradise. (Ok, well maybe not, but I do appreciate my clutter even if others don’t)

In any case, I do judge, and I am very good at it.

Shut your mouth right now…you judge too, and you know it. You look at someone and make a call on how they are, what they think, and their values even before you blink. Everyone does it. The hard part is knowing if our first evaluation was on spot or way off the mark.

Judging is not always negative. I judge, nay- I assess what someone is wearing. I have been known to sit in a college town, around closing time with a friend and gauge the trolling outfits of the ladies who are patrons of the local bars and clubs. We discuss head to toe and give a score. They get points for walking in very high heels while very drunk. They lose points for puking on the corner.

I judge my coworkers on their daily outfits. I commend the lady with short hair for wearing age appropriate fashion and owning her appearance. I denigrate the lady from the third floor who wears too-tight pants and too-short shirts so that her belly fat not only hangs over, but is visible to the naked eye. And that is gross.

I judge my neighbors for what they leave on the porch. Is that décor or a bag of garbage? Old couch? Plastic flowers? Fancy. Seriously- way to bring down the visual value, fuckface.

That all being said, I am pretty flexible when it comes to other people; I am judgeier of myself then someone on the street. I am pretty hard on myself, as most of us are; or should be.

I do, however, believe in absolutes. I believe that no one is completely perfect, magazine-cover ready at 100% of the time. I believe that there is room for error but goals will not be achieved unless absolutes are attempted. I also believe there should be a healthy amount of fear. No one is invincible. No one is an actual superhero. We all have a fear- big or small. For example- I know a grown man who is afraid of spiders, literally stop-in-his-tracks-and-whimper afraid. I am not afraid of something that I can kill with my shoe. I am not afraid of stink-bugs, although they do annoy me to no end, and I once was attacked by one in the middle of the night. But that is another story for another time.

So, with that all being said, I present one of my fears:

I will not get a cat.

If I get a cat, I will love it and spoil it. I will spend all of my money and time on it. I will go to work late just to spend more time with my cat. I will get in trouble and eventually fired because of being late. I will have to go onto unemployment and I will share a cat food dinner with my cat. We will lose our apartment because I will not have enough income and we will move into a welfare motel where my cat will be welcome with the other cats that have lost their homes. I will run out of unemployment and not be able to find a job because I smell and have started looking like a cat. We will steal cat food together and dine in the moonlight. Because I love my cat, I will let him eat more than me. I will die from malnutrition and I will not be discovered for weeks. My cat will eat my face as to not go hungry.

I will not get a cat.
I never said I was rational.

So now you can judge me. I will judge you right back, fuckface.

Song of the day: “Runs in the Family” Amanda Palmer, Who Killed Amanda Palmer

Related show

• Artist: REBEL PAWN
• Date: Friday, April 27th 2012
• Time: 9:00pm
• City: REBEL PAWN in Linden
• Venue: The Cup
• Address: 1410 E Elizabeth Ave
• Venue phone: 908-925-8369
• Country: United States
• Admission: $5
• Age restrictions: No Minors
• Add to Google Calendar | Download iCal

Everybody has one, even if they are in denial of the fact. They are a driving force to those that save cats from trees and the city from eradication. Without the Archenemy, what would a superhero be- just an idiot in tights. Let’s look at some very important superhero/archenemy relationships.

Superman and Lex Luther

This is a pretty obvious one. Lex Luther tries his with all of his little-bald-head might to rid the world of Superman. While he has succeeded in bringing him down temporarily with debilitating Kryptonite, Superman always manages to overcome the inevitable and win the battle of good verses evil.

Sheldon Cooper and Wil Weaton

Ahh… Sheldon, he who has no inter-social skills to keep him from ever knowing when he is defeated until it is too late. Sheldon will never be able to overcome the reality that Wil is always going to win; at movies, at games, at life. Sheldon is a lovable dork who really should just stay at home and have a cup of tea.

Humans and the Cylons

This one happens to be my favorite dichotomy. The egomaniacal human created the Cylons to use then as slaves (for lack of a better word) and it backfired. The humans created such a species that could and did evolve, just as humans did from the molten goo like a billion years ago. The humans and the Cylons fought and fought for control of their existence until they finally were force to face facts, one needed the other, and each could not exist without the other. The whole thing was really a moratorium to the struggle between a poly- and mono-theistic belief and the evolution of mankind to what we know it as today. In the end, the humans found their Earth, and Starbuck was an angel, and you will never know a Cylon when you see one.

WTF? That was a WHOLE lot of dork.

If you see me on the street, I will deny that I know this much about Battlestar Galactica.

The Liberal Left and Repressive Right

In light of the upcoming Presidential Elections, I thought this was apropos. Every 4 years, we get the  added joy to our lives to pick and choose who will be the leader of the free world for a little while. Or at least we pretend that our vote matters when in fact it does not and it hasn’t for many, many years. But still, we go on, caring about which candidate will be blamed for everything that goes wrong for his/her term. What we all know, and they all forget, is that compromise is more important than ever these days. This country is in such disarray that the 1% is just as screwed as the 99% in the long run. Think about it, by the time I am old enough to collect social security (which is very far away since I am not even middle aged- debatable but true) there will not be funding and I will have to work for The Man until I die at my desk. Then I won’t even get revived since universal healthcare will not allow it.

This, of course, is if I don’t win the lottery or find a  sugar-daddy soon.

I can go on and on about this for pages, but instead I will leave you with this thought:

You can’t complain and not make the move for change.  It just looks dumb and dumb was so last year.

Song of the Day: “Bleecker Street” Simon & Garfunkel

Everyone is an asshole. Trust me on this; I have first-hand experience with assholes of all varieties. This brief list of common types of assholes will be helpful in navigating your way around.

Chivalry-Is-Dead Asshole:

This guy that doesn’t hold the door for ladies or old people. He believes that he is the only person with a daily agenda and everyone else in the way. This asshole also gets a smack in the head from his mom once in a while and becomes a human again for brief period of time. This asshole is in need of aversion therapy. Just call his mom.

Stuck-In-A-Closet-And-Can’t-Get-Out Asshole:

This asshole will be brazen and derogatory toward the opposite sex. He acts as though he is Gods gift to the ladies. He sees each girl as the conquest, and he is the prize. He calls his friends fag, queer, homo, etc. Meanwhile when he drinks too much, he is the one who is jerking off to gay porn. This asshole should be treated with no care; treat him as bad as he treats you. He is stuck in his closet and will not be coming out for a few more years.

Covering-Up-As-A-Friend Asshole:

This is a tricky one, my friends; you might not be able to recognize this person for quite sometime. This person is someone who you know, someone you might even like, the kind of person you bring home to mom. This person is someone you trust with your secrets. Then the shit hits the fan and this asshole rears its ugly head when their little world is threatened. They do not take responsibility for anything wrong in their lives. This asshole does not think they can ever possible be wrong. They play the martyr and play at your heart-strings like a fiddle. They believe everyone is there for them, and do nothing for anyone else. This is your warning, and this is where I tell you to look in a mirror. You might be this asshole.

Bull-In-A-China-Shop Asshole:

Also known very commonly as a ‘bully.’ This asshole might as well as wear a sandwich board announcing their asshole-ness to the world. It is like a badge of honor to them. You can hear it, smell it, and feel it coming your way. The air changes; birds fly in formation in opposite directions; tumbleweeds roll down the streets as people cower away. This asshole never smiles, is nasty to everyone he comes in contact with. He will steal your hat and put gum in your hair; he will trip a child and spit in grandma’s face. I should say that this asshole should be avoided, but I have come to believe there is another course of appropriate action. This asshole should just be hit with your car. This asshole needs to be annihilated at all costs. Pretend you hit a deer and get your insurance company to repair it.

If you don’t agree with me… you are just an asshole too.

Song of the Day: “I Like Big Butts” Sir Mix-A-Lot